An Imperfect and Disjointed Reflection on 2014

Imperfect Reflections

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Whew! It is almost time for 2014 to become history and 2015 to bring with it what it will. If I’m being honest, this statement brings with it equal parts relief and nervousness because many of the events of 2013 and 2014 have wrecked me. As I reflect on everything I’ve lived through and learned, I am at the place where I am beginning to see some of the amazing blessings that are coming as a result of it all.

I used to be really good at putting words together about life. I wanted so badly for my life-long anthem to be focused on being a quiet, simple woman whose purpose was to focus on the exceptionally average. I’m starting to see and accept that, while the principles are something I will always hold dear to my heart, it’s not God’s plan for me to camp on that solitary theme forever. The season of living in a comfy cocoon is now one to look back on. There was nothing wrong with that time in my life, and one of the reasons I’ve been wrecked so much is because I’ve not wanted to let go of that simpler time in my life: the time before I took all of the words that used to flow so freely out of my fingertips and had to start making sense of them when applied to legitimately difficult circumstances.

The making sense of it all has left me speechless. I haven’t been able to piece together anything that could do justice to what I was realizing. I would either sound whiny, overly-dramatic, angry, or confused – likely because that’s how I felt. I was also paralyzed by fear at the thought of sharing too much of my story. One thing I’ve learned about our life stories is that some parts of them are meant to be shared while other parts need to be sacredly yours and God’s alone.  It was easy to be an open book before I had oppressive battles I was fighting, but when things started getting real, ugly, and resolved without a promise that this would definitely be the end of that trial, I didn’t want to even open up the book I was living some days.

So I’ve been the most quiet I’ve ever been in my life. Yet lately I’ve been feeling a gentle stirring in my spirit that it’s time to start sharing my story with others little bit by little bit.

Now that I’m realizing life isn’t about coming out on the other side of tough times, it’s about living a life of freedom in spite of the uncertainties that make up our time on earth, I’m not putting the pressure on 2015 to deliver a series of dreamy experiences because 2014 included some crummy ones. Life will always have struggles and challenges, but I don’t have to be defined by them unless I choose to be. I lived many good days this past year, and I choose to remember both the good and the bad because they have worked together to teach me some lessons I desperately needed to learn.

I’m in a peaceful place as I reflect on the life I lived this year. The word I chose as my one little word for 2014 was favor. It has looked dramatically different than what I pictured, but it has become beautiful to me. I have messed up, I’ve found victory in areas I never thought it possible in the past, I’ve cried hard and laughed hard. This has indeed been a favorable year. As I look ahead, I’m thrilled at the prospect of living out and sharing my one little word for 2015.

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